Friday, June 28, 2013

Confession

If you've ever gone past your due date, you know how frustrating it is. I expected to go late, most first time moms do, but I was surprised by how disappointed I was when the day came and went without a hint of a contraction.

What hit me even harder was how unexpectedly crushed I was after my doctor's appointment the next day when I hadn't made any progress from the week before. I had read other moms' birth stories about feeling let down by their bodies, but I never really understood that. So when I felt the waves of disappointment wash over me, I was really surprised. And frustrated. I knew I couldn't go another week with these emotions, so I pulled out my Bible when I got home. I knew Scripture would be the best way to get my head and heart straight. 

Sure enough, God had a few verses to knock me over the head with, most of which I have highlighted many times before. It turns out that maybe I have a control issue and need to work on surrendering a few things a little more often. So I prayed, and I realized that I have absolutely no valid reason to be upset, but a lot of ridiculous ones. Do you want to know why I am anxious to have this baby?
  • I bought a really cute 4th of July outfit for her to wear
  • I bought a bunch of new clothes from the J Crew and Banana Republic and I want to get back to regular size to try them on
  • I really want a beer on the 4th of July
  • I want to start training for the Disneyland 5k
  • I am worried that she will keep growing in there and not fit into any of her newborn outfits
  • I am worried that she will keep growing in there and I will have to deliver an 11 pound baby
  • It's going to be 109 on Tuesday, not that I go outside
  • I wanted her birthday to be on the 26th like mine
  • I thought I saw the start of a stretch mark
  • Everyone else I know has had their baby early this summer
  • I don't want to gain any more weight 
  • I like the June birthstone better than the July birthstone
I mean, really?

I just keep coming back to Jeremiah 29:11 and the devotional that I gave to my little cheer girls just last week.  "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."  God has infinite knowledge and is infinitely good, so why on earth would I try to choose my way over His way? I don't know exactly when or how He plans to deliver this baby, but I guarantee he has a darn good reason for it, and it's much better than an outfit. 

I also realized how much I not only needed to confess my own selfish reasons for wanting control, but also to spend some time in praise for my blessings. First of all, that I was able to get pregnant and successfully carry a baby to full term. I know that is not something to be taken for granted, and so many women are struggling through that right now. They need prayer, not me. Not to mention that this has been a crazy easy pregnancy. Minimal morning sickness, low risk, active, reasonable weight gain, and with pretty much no major symptoms. Why wouldn't I want to stay pregnant for a few extra days? It's not like I'm suffering. And that alone is an incredible blessing. I could list a million more ways that God has blessed me, but it's amazing how blessed I have been just with this pregnancy alone.

So, I'm done being frustrated and giving up my expectations.  I have an appointment on Monday to talk to my doctor about inducing, he is on call this weekend if I do happen to go into labor, and we'll just see.  I do plan to stay somewhat off the grid, because every interaction with other people right now seems to revolve around when she might get here, and I don't need those conversations dragging me back to a negative place.  I love you all, but she'll get here when she gets here, and I promise I'll let you know!

PS If you want to read an incredible birth story about patience, check out Weston and Will's birth stories on Bower Power.  This girl went 12 days past her due date and gave birth to a 10 lb 3 oz baby!

2 comments:

  1. I love you cousin. I'm proud of you. God is so good. I'm encouraged by this. Thank you for sharing. Good job

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  2. You will be in my prayers, Mindy! Your post was so authentic and encouraging. I know that I struggle with control issues at time and realize all of the expectations that I have aren't God's for me. Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete

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